My first solo visit

I went to the cemetery by myself today.  I was the first time I have gone alone.  I think I really needed to do that.  First I walked around to see all the other little angels resting with Alex.  There are too many out there, but less than you'd think.  There is one family who has three babies buried out there.  Oh how my heart aches for them.

Then I sat down on the ground and talked with Alex for a while.  I told him how much I love him.  I told him how sorry I am that I couldn't protect him better, that I didn't hold him longer, that I didn't kiss him or touch him.  I have so many regrets.  I should have done more to try to save him.  I should have done a lot of things differently.  But I guess it is too late for "should haves".  Now, I have to move on-so everyone tells me.  I have yet to run across anyone who can tell me HOW to do that.

I am so not in the Christmas mood, but I have to go through the motions for everyone else.  So we put up the tree, and wrapped the presents, and baked the cookies...and everytime I realize it is one more thing that Alex will never do or see.

Mommy loves you baby boy!  I miss you more than you can imagine, more than I imagined I could miss someone.  I love you so much.