The last couple of weeks have been especially difficult for me.  I thought this was supposed to get better...easier?  It only seems to be getting harder.

Today is Alex's due date.  I keep thinking about all the things that should be happening now.  It should be such a happy day.  We should have been preparing for our new baby boy.  There should be tiny blue clothes all about and all sorts of baby stuff to buy.  Instead, we just bought his grave stone.  No, there is no joy on this day.  Only sadness and darkness.  While the world moves on I feel like I am sinking deeper into this dark and lonely pit.  No one hears my cries, no one sees my tears.  This hurt is mine and mine alone.  Oh how I wish the whole world would just go away...or that I would just go away.

His plan SUCKS!

What else can I say?  I am so tired of hearing how this is all part of some "bigger plan"  that we can't see yet.  It hurts, I hate it, and God could have made it all different but He didn't.  I have no patience for His plan-nor Him at this point either!  So, NO, I don't go to church anymore.  I don't pray anymore.  And I really don't give a damn what He thinks anymore!