My first solo visit

I went to the cemetery by myself today.  I was the first time I have gone alone.  I think I really needed to do that.  First I walked around to see all the other little angels resting with Alex.  There are too many out there, but less than you'd think.  There is one family who has three babies buried out there.  Oh how my heart aches for them.

Then I sat down on the ground and talked with Alex for a while.  I told him how much I love him.  I told him how sorry I am that I couldn't protect him better, that I didn't hold him longer, that I didn't kiss him or touch him.  I have so many regrets.  I should have done more to try to save him.  I should have done a lot of things differently.  But I guess it is too late for "should haves".  Now, I have to move on-so everyone tells me.  I have yet to run across anyone who can tell me HOW to do that.

I am so not in the Christmas mood, but I have to go through the motions for everyone else.  So we put up the tree, and wrapped the presents, and baked the cookies...and everytime I realize it is one more thing that Alex will never do or see.

Mommy loves you baby boy!  I miss you more than you can imagine, more than I imagined I could miss someone.  I love you so much.

Written in the sand...

Thank you so much to Carly for all that you do to remember our presious babies.

Follow-up visit

We went to the OB today for our follow up visit. I was almost excited about it, hoping we would get some answers-we didn't. I wasn't prepared for how hard it was going to be. The last time we were there we were watching our sweet baby on the ultrasound screen and "celebrating" the fact that we had made it to the two week mark since the pPROM. All those pregnant women just blissfully going about their business. "Don't they know how quickly everything can change?" I wanted to scream.
Of course they couldn't give us any reason for everything that happened. The labs showed an infection, but they don't know if that caused the rupture or happened afterwards. He said we could start trying again after two cycles. That seems really soon to me. Not sure if I will be ready then. Not sure if I'll ever be ready.
I don't want this to be the way it ends, my last memory of pregnancy, but thinking about being pregnant again is really scary.

One month later...

I just realized that it has been a month since this all started.  It seems like an eternity ago.  Our world stood still, yet time kept on.  How can that be?  I started back to work today.  I have mixed feelings about that.  It gives me something to do and makes the day go by faster.  But it is just one more reminder that the world goes on.  Like nothing is wrong.  Life as usual.  Sometimes I want to just scream.  How can life go on without Alex?  I don't know how to do it.  Why is it so easy for everyone else?

The Darkest Night

It was a pretty good day. We went to the Dr. and things were pretty much the same. I have very little fluid, but our Alex is such a fighter. I'm so glad that we made it to the two week mark. Based on everything I'd read, that is a good sign.

I had a good nap and my mom picked the kids up from school. I was lying on the couch while Jim fixed dinner. Then I got up to go pee, again. That is when I realized that something was horribly wrong. When I wiped there was a lot more mucous than usual, it just didn't feel right. Then I wiped again, and that is when I felt it...something was coming out. I was pretty sure it was the umbilical cord, but I didn't dare look. I was terrified. From that point on my body went on auto-pilot and I've just been watching from the side-lines. I jumped up and got Jim. "Something is wrong! We gotta go!" It was a good thing my mom hadn't left yet. I barely took the time to put my shoes on.

On the way to the hospital I called to find out where we needed to go. They told us to go to labor and delivery. We hardly said anything on the way there. This was what we dreaded most and it all seemed so unreal. We got to the women's hospital registration desk and they told us we had to go to the ER. I protested, telling them that I had already spoken to the Dr's office, but they just wouldn't listen. When we got to the ER the security guard tried to stop us to give us a nametag-I told him what he could do with his nametag. I told the registration clerk that I was 20 weeks, my water had broken two weeks ago and the umbilical cord was coming out. I also told her that we tried to go to L&D, but that they made us come to the ER. She said "You're only 20 weeks, so they aren't going to keep you anyway." All that kept running through my head was "Oh God! They are going to send me home to wait for him to be born." They were so slow. We had to go through the whole registration process, and wait for a room. I really thought I was going to deliver him in the lobby. You have to understand, at the time I wasn't sure it was the umbilical cord, I just knew that SOMETHING was coming out. Finally, the room was ready, but first I had to answer 100 medical questions-that had nothing to do with the pregnancy.

When we got to the room, a nurse came in and handed me a gown. She told me to take my top and bra off and the doctor would be in shortly. That is when I lost it. "What are you going to do?" I screamed.

She said, "you're here for abdominal pain, right?"

"No!" I screamed, again. "The umbilical cord is coming out!"

Suddenly two other nurses and the doctor were in the room. Somehow they changed me out of all my clothes, started an IV, and drew blood before I even knew what happened. The doctor peeked under the sheet and verified that it was them umbilical cord and dashed out of the room. When he came back in, about two minutes later, he said that he wasn't even going to examine me. He told us he wasn't qualified to do OB "in this country" and he was sending me straight to...you guessed it...LABOR & DELIVERY!!! He was furious that they had sent me to the ER to begin with and even madder that the registration desk sent me back as "abdominal pain". I have to say he was probably one of the nicest doctors I have ever met. He was so kind and gentle with us. He even walked all the way (back) to labor and delivery with us, along with the two nurses.

It's a boy!

It was my 34th birthday.  I was so excited.  Jim had been working a lot and I had been out of town training for my new job.  We were finally going to have some time together.  We were going out to lunch after my doctor appointment.  I was excited about that, too.  It was the day we were going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl-although I already knew it was a boy.

We got the kids off to school and headed to the doctor's office.  I was disappointed at first because they didn't send me straight to ultrasound.  I was only 17 weeks and 4 days, not the 18 weeks I was supposed to be for the "big" ultrasound.  So we went in to see the doctor first.  The downside to the day was that I had to see my least favorite doctor in the practice.  She decided to do a vaginal exam because I had been having some sporadic contractions.  She thought my cervix might be a little short, but we'd double check with the ultrasound.  Yes!  I finally talked her into doing it, even though I wasn't exactly 18 weeks.   We went to wait for the ultrasound, and, of course, I had to pee while we were waiting.  I barely made it to the bathroom before I peed all over myself-may pants were soaked!  I'd never done that before.  I cleaned up as best I could and went back to wait to be called into the ultrasound room.  I told Jim about the whole peeing episode and didn't think much more of it.  We went in for the US and my cervix was fine.  Then she did the gender check and...It is a boy!  "Ha, I told you so!"  Jim was sure it was a girl.  We named him Alexander Samuel-we had picked out the name several weeks before.  Everything looked good and we were all set to go with pics of our sweet little boy.  Then I stood up to get dressed and it happened again.  This time I knew that something wasn't quite right.  I hadn't had much to drink that morning and I had already "peed" a ton.  On the way out I stopped the nurse and told her what had happened.  Off she went to find the doctor and back we went into a room and undressed, again.  "It is probably just the KY from the examination", she said as she started to examine me again.  I knew what KY felt like and that wasn't it.  Then she told us she saw a lot of fluid and suddenly the tone for the day changed.  She told us she was "very concerned" and left the room to verify it was amniotic fluid.  I kept thinking it was no big deal because there are things they can do to fix this.  I was concerned, but not that worried.  Still I made Jim find Libby (my regular Dr's nurse), just so she could make me feel better.  When the doctor returned the look on her face was even colder than usual.  I was leaking amniotic fluid and there was nothing that could be done.  They said that I would probably go into labor in a few days or I would develop an infection and they'd have to induce labor.  If, by chance I made it to 23 weeks there wouldn't be enough fluid for Alex's lungs to develop properly.  There was a rare chance that the sac would reseal, but it wasn't likely.  And just like that our happy day turned into the beginning of our worst fears.  I think I was in shock when we left, but I still refused to accept the fate they gave us.  As soon as we got home I began searching for anything that could save our baby.